Embracing the differences

What is Black and White to you, is not black and White to me.
What’s A,B,C, to you isn’t A,B,C to me.
As a child growing up in my world, was a struggle, through school and at home. I felt I was always competing with everyone, always trying to fit in.
I struggled plenty with English and Maths and still very much do. What was easy for other’s was most difficult for me, and others couldn’t understand that.
I remember the sleepless night’s I had on school nights, I would be up worrying about sitting tests. No matter how hard I tried to revise or memorise, I felt it wasn’t enough. To understand my class work I would have to try and memorise the work, every lesson became a test for me, and I struggled trying to keep it up.
The hardest part  of my childhood, was the struggle of trying to be the same or just to fit in.
As a child I worried, that I would fail, or not be excepted.
  I hadn’t mentioned it to anyone, but I was terrified not to meet their expectations.
For some reason I had all ready been labeled stupid or retarded.
I lacked a lot of confidence,  I believed anything anyone would say about me, I felt embarrassed.
I remember quite a few times  when I was in middle school, the teacher  had a English or Maths quiz at the end of the week, And  would split the class into groups of four, she would pick a captain for each group, I was never picked. The captains had to pick there teams and I was hardly picked, that was when I got the name “THE LOSER”.
So the teacher asked me to sharpen the colouring pencils in the draw, and complimented on how well I’d sharpened them.
I remember drawing pictures all the time handing them out as gifts to family and teachers, to prove that I was good at something.
I remember one of my parents questioned me on why I was the last out of class, I never did tell them.
I’ll let you in on a little secret which I had never shared before, but I used to stay behind class to sharpen the colouring pencils for the teacher. Back then I believed they would see past my weakness, if I was helpful.
I know it sounds silly now,  but remember I was a child with inner struggles, and blaming myself with not having the intelligence of others, I kind of hated myself for it.
Fitting in was very important to me back then.
It’s strange that when I go back to my school years, when I was in primary to secondary school, I still fill up with emotion and feel chocked, because this was a time I should of treasured, but it was a very tough time for me.
It felt like I had a silent illness, that not even the doctors knew about.
As difficult as things got, I was always able to rely on one feeling that would randomly pop up, I wasn’t sure where it came from, but it gave me the feeling of reassurance feeling safe and happy, that I could trust.
It made me fee like it wasn’t my fault, that I was going to be OK, and that helped me to continue.
Nature took its course and years passed by, I finished secondary education with GCSE, and A levels, still very much struggling but I got better at it.
I continued with further education  and it was only when I had become friends with a student, I was now in my 30’s at the time.
My friend picked up that I was struggling in class, I told her I had a hard time understanding, I think she picked up my spelling wasn’t great. I suppose your not so good at hiding things as you get older.
My friend suggested if I ever had it checked out, Id never thought it was possible when she mentioned it, it was like music to my ears, but at the same time I was very nervous.
So with her help we looked into it, and I booked a educational psychologist to asses me.
I was tested with Math questions, Shape and colours, and English words ect. I remember I loved doing the shapes, but when I got to reading out the words, at first they seemed easy enough, but as I continued down the list, I felt the pressure. I covered my face behind the paper and just cried, the words sounded foreign to my ears I couldn’t even spell them out. I felt seven again, and that wasn’t a good place to be.
I asked the psychologist if I could have a break. I returned back to continue the test, the psychologist told me that I’d finished.
I felt a relief, but now is was time for the truth, why was I struggling all these years, was it just me or was there a reason?
She asked me if I was ready for my results and I took a deep breath and said yes.
She said, “Mrs Ibrahim what you have achieved is amazing,” and I remember thinking, she’s only saying this to make me feel better,  then she went on to asking me if I had ever heard of Dyslexia, I said no. She went on to say that a lot of people show signs of Dyslexia in certain subjects, but I had a very severe case of it in every subjects.  She said that she hadn’t come across this severity before, that she couldn’t imagine how hard it had been for me.
As she said those words I burst into tears, she didn’t have a clue.
Then she went on to tell me that the reason that I was doing so well, was because the test showed that it was my intelligence and perfections and willpower that helped me get through.
I felt overwhelmed, I had a name to my condition, it isn’t a disability, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but it was an answer to many questions that I had.
I felt a big weight lifted off my chest and I felt light, the phycologists continue to advice me to carry on doing what I had been doing, but suggests to give myself a break.
She asked me what helped me get through the struggles,  I told her about this feeling I would get, and how it made me feel safe and happy. She asked me what I thought it was, I told her when your a child you don’t really know much, your not really connected with emotion’s. But as you get older you know how it makes you feel, and that’s when I realised it gave me HOPE.
I now know Dyslexia its not something I can get rid of, and it’s all to do with the way my brain works, I  know I’m unique and that’s good enough for me.
The psychologist suggested  talk to people that needed advice, on moving forward ect, I remember thinking, how would I possibly be able to advice anyone.
I know I have a server case Dyslexia now, but this never stopped me, if anything its made me feel more motivated and liberated.
I have achieved what I’ve wanted out of life so far, as hard as it was, I’d do it all over again to be where I am today.
I did feel the need to tell you this struggle, as you may find the odd spelling mistakes on my Blogs, and this should explain where I’m coming from.
Also I wanted to take the opportunity to share my experience, I believe I have blossomed, and a living proof, that you can achieve through difficulties in life. I also want to say to those that felt that they could make me feel like I was incompetent, Yet I have risen. 
Who are they to belittle you or I, you know the truth, and that’s all that truly matters.
I want to salute those of you that have ever felt insignificant at some point in your life, you have proven that you are capable of much more then they ever gave you credit

#Dyslixa #Hope # Life # change

5 thoughts on “Embracing the differences

  1. SubhanAllah, Thank you for sharing your experiences. I enjoy reading them, they are very powerful! I’m sure as well as me many other people can relate to them. You are a woman with a goal and I truly believe you will be successful in achieving it =)

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